Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Finding "It" at 39 ? !

So tomorrow I turn 39, and I'm actually excited about it! I have decided that I am going to "FIND IT" at 39. This past year has been a great mix of crazy yet fun chaos but there has been something missing. "It" is missing. What is "it"? For each of us it's different. It is the thing that makes us complete, makes us, us. I don't feel complete. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and children. But I just haven't found the "it" that makes me, ME.

What got me thinking about this was the book, Finding It by Valerie Bertinelli. She mentioned that when she was on Touched By An Angel she wore so many layers of clothing to hide her weight. She said that the one thing she couldn't conceal was the unhappiness in her eyes. That when she sees reruns of the show, she still sees the pain. I have been feeling that way this past year as I've seen pictures of myself where I look like there is something missing. I'm the one taking pictures of others who are having fun. I'm NOT the one having fun. I haven't learned to just let go. My life has always been about doing for others to make them look good or be happy despite my happiness, keeping my mouth shut even though I should say something, being the "good" girl, being so scared to fail I never try, never just throwing caution to the wind.

I want the old me back. The girl who sent a card just to say hello, who looked for the positive and not expected the negative, the one who was strong physically. I want to wear a real bikini - not just the top, get on the dance floor & dance even though I don't have a rhythmic bone in my body, get my teaching degree, maybe get a tattoo, finally take the honeymoon hubby & I never took, stand my ground, focus on being true to myself even with family or friends, make a bucket list and start ticking it off, try new foods and new adventures, play more, take the time to have a cup of coffee on the porch or glass of wine on the deck, organize my home, renew my faith (never lost it just got lax) and laugh, laugh - laugh!

So this year of being 39 is going to be a motivational tool. I have one year to get my ass in shape and my shit (somewhat) together before I hit the big 4-0, which falls on a FRIDAY - YEAH!! I don't have a lot of work to do to get there, but it will be work. I know what I need to do, I just needed the motivation to do it. And that's reaching 40 in the best shape of my life, mentally and physically. Here's a couple pictures that came up when I typed in 39. Kind of ironic that they correlate with my thoughts...

Pier 39 with the sea lions. I was actually there 2 yrs ago and saw the sea of sea lions. It smells horrible, but is an awesome site. Lately, I've feeling like a lazy, frumpy, blubbery sea lion. I got into good enough shape last 4th of July that I wore a bikini top. After the 4th, I stopped maintaining and gained the weight back. When I started to workout again, I fell snowboarding and broke my tailbone. That really began the pouting! So here's to getting off the dock and having some fun.

The 39 Clues is a book series that my son's LOVE! It's series of adventure books, combining reading, online gaming, and card collecting. I have had 39 years worth of clues to help me solve the mystery of what I want to be when I 'grow up'. Now it's time to put all the clues together and find ME.

I've been on the highway of life for 39 years and although I truly am blessed, there is so much more I want to experience along the road. Here's to continuing down the road with fewer potholes.

I love the thought of being 39. Would I love to go back to the face and body I had as an 18 or 20 year old? Yes, in a heartbeat. But I wouldn't want to change the knowledge I've gained for anything.

So here's to finding it at 39!