Tuesday, July 23, 2013

It's Okay, To (Sometimes) Not Be Okay...

Typically Tuesday's are an "It's Okay" post. Normally I'm a "glass half full girl". I believe that "you take the good. You take the bad. You take them both and there you have the facts of life." But this Tuesday it's not okay that sometimes the facts of life suck. There are just times that life throws us down to see if we will get back up again. It's okay to have a not okay day. Today is one of those days. It's a combo of bitch session, pity party and laundry diversion.

It's NOT okay...

...that I have been busting my ass with 2 workouts 5-6 days a week and I am not loosing weight. My diet is good. I'm doing what I should be doing. I signed up as a Beach Body Coach and Advocare Distributor. I tried the 10 day cleanse and blew up like a balloon. I'm doing T25 and running and not a damn thing is going well. I've even irritated old knee injuries.

The only thing that I can attribute to the lack of weight loss (some days gain even) is being on Paxil. I know my body, have busted butt with workouts before, ate worse then I have been and lost weigh and saw amazing changes. So the only difference I can associate with this is the meds. If I'm working out like I have been, there should be some inspiration and show for it. Not just scales rising and knees hurting.

Being 4'11" and volleying between 115-117 pounds is a lot for me. My best weight is 99-102. And that's with muscle, not just skinny fat. Please don't judge because you know exactly what I mean. There is in shape/toned and skinny fat. I would gladly be even 105 if I had my muscles back. I know some people would kill for those numbers. But I am short and my weight shows up in my gut. I went to the store to buy a pair of shorts and grabbed a size 5 (which is normally big for me) and I couldn't even get them over my bootie. Right then and there I decided to quit the happy pills. I would rather battle grumpiness then the weight gain.

Hopefully my stress management and relaxation college course will pick up where the meds leave off, and I can also drop pounds & gain muscle strength back.

Any suggestions? Have you had issues with meds preventing weight loss? How to you battle grumpiness and anxiety?

It's NOT okay...

...that I don't get to do Vegas for my bday. My pity party story...

I was buying a bday gift for a friend the other day and saw all the "special" gifts for 21, 30, 40...That made me sad because I didn't have any of that. I can't begin to count the number of surprise parties I have thrown for friends and family for their special number birthdays or anniversaries. But for my birthday, it's been family dinner then home to bed. And as luck would have it, an email came through with the news that 3 of my 4 kids have a soccer tournament the weekend of my birthday. That means...
NO VEGAS for 41! 

Don't get me wrong, my world is my kids. Anyone who knows me knows that. I am a stay at home mom who would and does give up everything for my kids (and others). But just once I want to be selfish and celebrate MY day.

Birthdays are about the person born on that day. It's their own special day that we get to celebrate them! And I expect it's the same for my own birthday. Hell, it's the day this nut job was born. I don't have to share it with my mother-in-law like Mother's Day or any other family member like all the other holiday's. It's the only day of the year that I get to call the shots and be totally selfish, right? Or wrong? It should be my choice of breakfast, lunch and dinner. If I want gummy bears for breakfast, open that bag baby. I get 24 hours to selfishly enjoy the day and not feel bad about it.

FYI, I am not complaining about not having a party. I am NOT a person that likes to be the center of attention. So having a bday party is NOT something I want. But to have friends and family wish you a happy birthday is something you would think would occur. Shoot going out for drinks with hubby would be nice! Unfortunately that hasn't happened in my lifetime of adult birthdays!

I was born on my Grandpa's bday so I've always celebrated it with him. It was always just a family dinner - mostly at Bill Knapp's because he would get his age as the % off his bill and a free chocolate cake. Then home and bed. So when we planned Vegas for 40, I was thrilled. Then came the possible divorce & my dad's aneurysm's, so Vegas fell through. Sadly my 40th came and went the same as any other day. Bday wishes were only from my kids, husband, parents, sisters and mother in law. No friends, no one else! No special dinner. No birthday drink. Not even a glass of wine. I made spaghetti for just me, the kids and Brad and we ate in shifts because of soccer. And even the birthday wishes from my sisters were just two words, "happy birthday". Not anything more. I felt like those pictures that you see on Pinterest with the bouquet of suckers saying "Forty Sucks".

I decided that night when I went to bed at 10pm crying (feeling lousy and sorry for myself that I was such a looser with no other friends or family who remembered my 40th), that I was going to be at a bar in Vegas when the clock struck Midnight to kick off my 41st birthday.

Now enter lots of four letter words when I read the email telling me the plans are off.

What do you do when life throws you lemons & you're not in the mood for lemonade? What facts of life can you give me other then suck it up buttercup?


  1. I can sooooo relate to this post! I remember when I was on the pill, I just couldn't lose weight! Instead, I gained! I was a not a happy person to be around. Finally I went off it. It is just so frustrating when a medicine that you NEED, does awful things to you. I think you look Amazing, btw!!

    I truly think in time, your body chemistry will adjust and that number will go back down. And...It's ok for you to bitch! We are all here for you! And girl, you can email me anytime to vent. I will be there for you!!

  2. Thanks Lori! You are a good inspiration BTW!!! I was never one to take meds before. But it was time to try something for the chemical imbalance from the several years of extreme stress. It's only been since March that I've been on Paxil, which works great, but gaining 15 lbs is not what I want. It will even out like you said. Just not a patient person.

  3. Oh girl, I am not patient either! Just ask my husband...lol! When our body and it's make up get out of whack, sometimes medicine is the only answer. It's not like being a woman is hard enough or anything...ugh!! You look amazing and are doing all the right things. Just remember, the weight gain is out of your control for now, but it WILL get better!!! XOXO

  4. Such timing finding your blog....sigh, I'm starting a new med this weekend and weight gain/loss is chronically mentioned (same genre as Paxil.) I am trying to optimistic and focused on it not affecting my fitness goals. If so, then I'll be where you are in quitting them! I'm not that cranky now, but if I can't lose or actually gain, then I will be one angry momma!


  5. Hi April. Welcome to my site! I'm crossing my fingers that you do very well on it. I know some people have been okay with it while others gained. It took a lot to even agree to meds. The positive effects were wonderful except the migraines. Then the Dr. switched me to generic Celexa and that didn't do anything. So I went back to Paxil & have no headaches this time around. Maybe bc I have more "meat" on my bones now. I am going to see how I do off the meds both weight wise and emotionally. Otherwise I may try Zoloft bc it works well for my husband. Love being a human some days. Anyways, great luck, pulling for you & welcome to my blog!


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